America, Where is it Going?

And it came to pass in the Age of Insanity that the people of the land called America , having lost their morals, their initiative, and their will to defend their liberties, chose as their Supreme Leader that person known as “The One”.

He emerged from the vapors with a message that had no meaning;
But He hypnotized the people telling them, “I am sent to save you.

My lack of experience, my questionable ethics, my monstrous ego, and my association with evil doers are of no consequence.

For I shall save you with Hope and Change.

Go, therefore, and proclaim throughout the land that he who preceded me is evil, that he has defiled the nation, and that all he has built must be destroyed.”

And the people rejoiced, for even though they knew not what “The One” would do, he had promised that it was good; and they believed.

And “The One” said “We live in the greatest country in the world.

Help me change everything about it!”

And the people said, “Hallelujah! Change is good!”

Then He said, “We are going to tax the rich fat-cats.” And the people said “Sock it to them! And redistribute their wealth.”

And the people said, “Show us the money!”

And then He said, “Redistribution of wealth is good for everybody”

And Joe the plumber asked, “Are you kidding me? You’re going to steal my money and give it to the deadbeats??”

And “The One” ridiculed and taunted him, and Joe’s personal records were hacked and publicized.

One lone reporter asked, “Isn’t that Marxist policy?”

And she was banished from the kingdom!

Then a citizen asked, “With no foreign relations experience and having zero military experience or knowledge, how will you deal with radical terrorists?”

And “The One” said, “Simple. I shall sit with them and talk with them and show them how nice we really are; and they will forget that they ever wanted to kill us all!”

And the people said, “Hallelujah!! We are safe at last, and we can beat our weapons into free cars for the people!”

Then “The One” said, “I shall give 95% of you lower taxes.”

And one, lone voice said, “But 40% of us don’t pay ANY taxes.”

So “The One” said, “Then I shall give you some of the taxes the fat-cats pay!”

And the people said, “Hallelujah!! Show us the money!”

Then “The One” said, “I shall tax your Capital Gains when you sell your homes!”

And the people yawned and the slumping housing market collapsed.

And He said, “I shall mandate employer- funded health care for EVERY worker and raise the minimum wage. And I shall give every person unlimited healthcare and medicine and transportation to the clinics.”

And the people said, “Give me some of that!”

Then he said, “I shall penalize employers who ship jobs overseas.”

And the people said, “Where’s my rebate check?”

Then “The One” said, “I shall bankrupt the coal industry and electricity rates will skyrocket!”

And the people said, “Coal is dirty, coal is evil, no more coal!

But we don’t care for that part about higher electric rates.”

So “The One” said, “Not to worry. If your rebate isn’t enough to cover your expenses, we shall bail you out. Just sign up with ACORN and your troubles are over!” Then He said, “Illegal immigrants feel scorned and slighted.

Let’s grant them amnesty, Social Security, free education, free lunches, free medical care, bi-lingual signs and guaranteed housing…”

And the people said, “Hallelujah!!” And they made him King!

And so it came to pass that employers, facing spiraling costs and ever-higher taxes, raised their prices and laid off workers.

Others simply gave up and went out of business and the economy sank like unto a rock dropped from a cliff.

The banking industry was destroyed.

Manufacturing slowed to a crawl.

And more of the people were without a means of support.

Then “The One” said, “I am the “The One” – The Messiah – and I’m here to save you!

We shall just print more money so everyone will have enough!”

But our foreign trading partners said unto Him, “Wait a minute.

Your dollar is not worth a pile of camel dung!

You will have to pay more…”

And the people said, “Wait a minute. That is unfair!!”

And the world said, “Neither are these other idiotic programs you have embraced.

Lo, you have become a Socialist state and a second-rate power. Now you shall play by our rules!”

And the people cried out, “Alas, alas!! What have we done?”

But yea verily, it was too late.

The people set upon “The One” and spat upon him and stoned him, and his name was dung.

And the once mighty nation was no more; and the once proud people were without sustenance or shelter or hope.

And the Change “The One” had given them was as like unto a poison that had destroyed them and like a whirlwind that consumed all that they had built.

And the people beat their chests in despair and cried out in anguish,

“Give us back our nation and our pride and our hope!!”

But it was too late, and their homeland was no more.

You may think this is a fairy tale, but it’s not.

It’s happening RIGHT NOW !!!

AMEN!!!

Memorial Day

Even with the many problems we face, we still live in the greatest country in the world.

ATHEIST HOLY DAY

In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming
Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days.

The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,”Case dismissed!”

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, “Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays.

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, “But you do. Your client is woefully ignorant.” The lawyer said, “Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists.”

The judge said, “The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, ‘The fool says in his heart, there is no God.’ Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!

Productivity and the Little Red Hen…

Who will help me plant my wheat?” asked the little red hen.

“Not I,” said the cow.

“Not I,” said the duck.

“Not I,” said the pig.

“Not I,” said the goose.

“Then I will do it by myself,” She planted her crop, and the wheat grew and ripened.

“Who will help me reap my wheat?” asked the little red hen.

“Not I,” said the duck.

“Out of my classification,” said the pig.

“I’d lose my seniority,” said the cow.

“I’d lose my unemployment compensation,” said the goose.

“Then I will do it by myself,” said the little red hen, and so she did.

“Who will help me bake the bread?” asked the little red hen.

“That would be overtime for me,” said the cow.

“I’d lose my welfare benefits,” said the duck.

“I’m a dropout and never learned how,” said the pig.

“If I’m to be the only helper, that’s discrimination,” said the goose.

“Then I will do it by myself,” said the little red hen.

She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, “No, I shall eat all five loaves.”

“Excess profits!” cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi – speaker of the House of representatives)

“Capitalist leech!” screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer …Calif senator)

“I demand equal rights!” yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)

The pig just grunted in disdain. (Ted Kennedy)

And they all painted ‘Unfair!’ picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.

Then the farmer (Obama) came. He said to the little red hen, “You must not be so greedy.”

“But I earned the bread,” said the little red hen.

“Exactly,” said Barack the farmer. “That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle.”

And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, “I am grateful, for now I truly understand.”

But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the ‘party’ and got her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. ‘Fairness’ had been established.

Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared…so long as there was free bread that ‘the rich’ were paying for.

Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

SARAH PALIN: Before it got to the other side, I shot the
chicken, cleaned and dressed it, and had chicken burgers for
lunch.

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was
time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road
because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and
dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the
road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped
that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes
me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that
every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to
cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed
the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side
of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for
us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where’s my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly
see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the
road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross,
and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not
for it now and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some
black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken
doesn’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on
this side of the road before it goes after the problem on
the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him
realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his current
problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having
problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad.
So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and
take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this
chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and
not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a
chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the
other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s
guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking
American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that
chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s
Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain
level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it
with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it
crossed I’ve not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the
road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and
that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments,
we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first
time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a
serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its
lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing
roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will
not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is
an integral part of eChicken 2008. This new platform is much
more stable and will never crash or need to be rebooted.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or
did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Democrates on an Escalator

No comments needed on this one!

USGA Releases New Rules of Golf!

THE USGA WOULD LIKE TO INFORM ALL GOLFERS

There is a possibility of MAJOR rule changes to the game of golf, this may occur sometime after November 4.  This is only a preview as the complete rule book is being written now.  Here are a couple of basic changes.
 

Golfers with handicaps:
  – below 10 will have their green fees increase by 35%
  - between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees
  - above 18 will play for free and even get a check from the club/course played

 

 The $$ amount put in for bets will be as follows:
  -for handicaps below 10 an additional $10
  -between 11 and 18 no additional amount
  -above 18 you will receive the total amount in the pot and you do not even have to play.

 

The term “gimme putt” will be changed to “entitlement” and will be used as follows:
   -handicaps below 10, no entitlements
   -handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts
   -handicaps above 18, if on green, no need to ever putt, just pick it up

These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness in scoring so that the final scores of all players will be about the same.  In addition, a Player will be limited to a max of one birdie and/or six pars, any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player making the birdie or par, can that Player begin to count his score again.

 

The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes but the term “net score” will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps 18 and above.  This is intended to “redistribute” the success of winning by making sure that in every competition the above 18 handicap players will post only “net score” against every other player’s gross score.
       

These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf.  Golf must be about Fairness Only, it should have nothing to do with ability.

It’s all about Perspective

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he went inside and told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.  Undaunted, she went outside, and in a few minutes, she returned with the lens in her hand.  ”How did you manage to find it, Mom?” the teenager asked.  ”We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she replied. “You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”

Iraqi Jumping Jacks

This might give a small glimps as to why we are having a tough time training the Iraqi’s to defend themselves. 

The Death of Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

*       Knowing when to come in out of the rain
*       Why the early bird gets the worm
*       Life isn’t always fair
*       And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).  His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.  It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.  Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now,
Someone Else Is To Blame, and I’m A Victim.